Big 29 Slap

 
I know this is normal. What I don’t know is if I’m too early or maybe too late (or maybe I already know and I’m just denying it) to feel and realize how the world lied straight to my face. When you arrive in that moment when the things you strongly believe in when you were young starts to collapse one by one. Well, I guess the world wants to give me a slap before I turn 29.
 
Santa Claus is Nicolas in real life and really doesn’t ride in a flying reindeer. How the 5 second rule and you can still eat the food you just dropped on the floor is a total lie. Wentworth Miller is gay, darn it!!! How not that scary those horror movie characters I used to fear when I was a child and how pathetic they look watching it now. That your wound will be healed when kissed by your mom or your dad or whoever wants to kiss it. Fairy tales. Love. Happy endings. Kidding!
 
Going to the real issue, what I really want to talk about is that, I’m on this stage where most of the things that were taught and instilled in me are all in front of me screaming “this is the truth, kid”. Recently I’ve been placed in different situations that made me re-think everything I held in. From my own behavior, to understanding the human nature, seeing the real society I’m in. Then I start re-organizing my thoughts.
 
1.       Authentic happiness
 
Gone are the days when you just have to lay your hands to your parents and in a snap of a finger, the money is there. Unconscious of your time, you play all day without wondering what to eat and what for tomorrow. New clothes, toys, gadgets and other things are all within reach without knowing how many arms and legs it cost your parents. You define happiness with the things you get.
 
As you age, this so called happiness will be leveled down to the least of your pleasures. You know you’re out of that era when you start defining happiness as wanting memories rather than things. And sometimes, you really have to hussle for it. It’s not that as easy as before where it  goes so effortlessly. You are more concern of what you give to make the people you love, happy. Little by little, happiness is becoming more of getting real emotions. You look for what it gives you inside, what it makes you feel inside.
 
2.       Loving and Trusting and Relationship
 
When we were young, we were taught about love (aside from the fact that I studied in a catholic school were Christian love was hammered to us every day, so there). Just love and love and love like it’s the answer to everything. But why the heck they never mentioned the importance of trust? Why they never hammered trust the same way they do to love?
 
With a fickle mind, I tried to think that love and trust always go together. That when you trust, it’s because you love the person. That when you love, it’s because you trust the person.
 
At a young age, we trust easily. We forgive and forget easily. We take in and let go of things easily.
 
As you mature, trust becomes a BIG mature thing in any relationship, side by side with love. Loving is handing over your heart to someone. Trusting means letting all your guards down and letting the people see you. Which opens you to different kinds of pain.

I’ve seen and encountered myself lots of beautiful relationships got destroyed because of a broken trust. Either friendship, romantic, siblings, relatives, all sort of relationships. Trust and love are the most fragile things in life. It’s like you removing all your bones out of your body for them. Getting all soft for the person you love. Handing them all things that could kill you, inside.

Now try to sprinkle a broken trust with pride and fear, the truth is, love can’t save it. The truth is nothing can replace a genuine trust. Same with nothing can replace a genuine love. Once lost, you will always try to hold back and hesitate. The truth is, love and trust can go sometimes in separate ways. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the power of love, always and still do. But…it just can’t fix everything.
 
Well, I don’t think I can speak much of this. I have trust issues actually. I don’t give it easily so it hasn’t disappointed me yet that much. Maybe a little, but not a life wrecking kind of thing. I’m still on the process of knowing the range of this big word. But so far, what i have seen and encountered is that you could always lose trust but never the love. So please take care of the trust given to you, the same way with how much you have loved a person, for its something so precious and hard to regain.
 
“At a young age, we take in and let go of things easily. We give love, we forgive and forget.”  Now, we get whatever we can take in and won’t let go of things easily. We hardly give love, we hardly forgive and never forget.
 
3.       Living
 
Living is service. One of the biggest learning I had so far. I thought  it’s just about surviving, having food on the table, a shelter, all the basic needs.
 
Let me connect this to my point number one. That juvenile kind of happiness is getting the things we want. Those things are being provided by other people like our parents. I too mentioned that as you grow old, you hassle for happiness. It is because as you mature, you are now in the place of providing happiness for other people. Of serving. The role is now in your hands.
 
You live to serve. You live for others.  You live to share what you have. To contribute. To do your purpose. Living is not counting what you have but counting what you did for the world.
 
It’s like all these years, I have this thinking I am being trained to survive. But the truth is, I am being trained to serve.
 
I am not saying this is the truth with how you should look and live your life. Living is how you define it. This is mine. But however and whatever way you define it, serving is the common thing about living.

 
This is the truth. The search and insertion of adventures in your life is vital. Travel as much as you can. It gives you life’s lesson as it mirrors the world. Take time to pause from whatever you do. Observe. Always observe. Listen carefully especially to the unspoken words. Learning is mandatory. It never stop. Living is service. Service is loving. Faith, hope and love is the breath of life. All these three and the rest of your dreams should be accompanied with actions. Friends can be your future enemy. Your enemy can be your future friends. All things end. Trust is beyond price. Second chances are not given to everyone. Time don’t heal, it just makes you get used to things. The heart never forgets, it learns. Live like you’ll die at the end of the day and welcome each morning like a newborn child.
 
Having all these thoughts, I seem to argue with a lot of things and with people fighting for my opinion. Ridding off things and people easily because I just don’t like them the way I want them before. Because of the world’s frankness, how I look at things changed, how I evaluate things changed, how I look at the world changed.
 
That said, I know I already established the views and belief of a matured Annie, though the immature Annie is still in the background trying to get notice from time to time, but I’m more confident now.
 
There are so much things to learn in this life, that sooner or later will probably turn to a lie. Because as you mature, your views will change, your taste will change and everything around you will change. Still, it is important to established your own perception, a set of ground. Something that would make you hold on to something you think is true and beautiful. Life is beautiful.
 
Thanks for the big slap, world. I am 29.
 
Bygones.

For more stuff you thought are true but aren’t, check this out
m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5593273?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

An Open Letter To My Father

Lately, ive noticed you’re getting so makulit in me. I don’t know if its because of the age or a pity of knowing i dont have a boyfriend and you’re filling that place asking my whereabouts.

Now, here’s just one of those debates…

Car conversation:

Pa: Kelan ka ba titigil sa pamumundok?
Me: *looked outside the window, no response
Pa: Di ba kayo napapagod?

Keeping it short and simple.
Me: Secret.

Haha, I really don’t know what to say to you! I’m not in the mood to talk and i would not certainly engage myself in this argument again. Yes, again! As much as I wanted to say mountaineering is tiring, I dont think it would be a nice answer to a father questioning my chosen sports.

Yes, it is really damn tiring! Specially when you’re on the trail holding on to your dear lungs and life. But once you reaches the summit and see the rewards of your cuts and bruises (not to mention fried nape and nose), its like, “I’ll definitely do this again, im going to do this again!” There is really something UP there that neither pictures and I can’t explain.

I just can’t help but laugh every time I remember that one moment, of all the same conversations we had and of all the same questions you’re asking me every time I came from an out of town trip or went somewhere and I told you “Eto na naman tayo, di ka pa ba nananawa?” (Here we go again, aren’t you getting’ tired of this?), we both laugh remember?

The many times you rant over me either by text or in person (which I always find hilarious), asking my whereabouts, how much money I spent in my travels, my long term plans, when I will start saving, and keep on emphasizing how old I am getting,  et al.  Aren’t you getting tired father of asking the same questions and getting the same answer from me. It’s like déjà vu every time. But you know what? I understand. Maybe I am not giving you the most reasonable justifications I could give. So here it is, let me break it down for you father.
 
Travelling. Who doesn’t want to travel? Who doesn’t want to see the world with his own eyes? Let me share the poem I’ve made a few years ago:
 
August 25, 2011 Thursday 4:02:38 PM
Title: Nomadic
 
I travel coz I’m thrilled with the smell of the mountain breeze, the salty air of the sea…
I travel because I love to eat; I always crave for local delicacies
I travel because,
…I love the feeling of warm hospitality,
…I adore His works of art,
…I get amazed hearing and learning different languages/dialects,
…it gives me butterflies and super high adrenaline rush,
…and calms my senses at the same time,
…it gives me new ways of seeing things,
…and understand the word ‘existence’.
And amidst the inevitable chaos that surrounds me, I travel because it remind me…how beautiful LIFE is!

Mountaineering. I know you didn’t like the idea of me joining a mountaineering club. But father, nature humbles me. Being out of my comfort zone taught me a lot of things. How to live simply in the heart of a forest. That despite of all the glamour that a city could offer me, i always desire for what matters most, simple things.This also, is my way of connecting to my soul when all else seems so wrong around me. It may be dangerous and tiring, yet it recharge every part of me. Running and biking too , these makes me healthy. Physically, emotionally, spiritually and socially, it heals me from the bruises of wordly battle.

These are my idea of living. Travelling, interacting, connecting to the world and its lodger. I just love making friends and understanding them. And by the way, I have five moles on my right foot. Nuf said.

I can give you a thousands of reasons why I can’t stay motionless. But all these reasons doesn’t matter now. Forgive me if I always reply to your questions with a laugh or a smile. It’s my bravest way to articulate the words I can’t.  I guess I just don’t have enough words to say thank you behind our repetitive dialogue. Thank you.

Thank you for the trust knowing you’ve raised that strong independent woman in me. Thank you for being brave despite of all the things that I do to make you worry. Thank you for getting yourself all together the time I had my accident. Thank you for the hesitant support I felt your care wherever I am. Thank you for being secretly proud of me. I heard the pride in your voice when you tell your friends the mountains I’ve reached and places I’ve been to. You are a man of few words and you taught me how to understand in silence. And in that quietness, I gained more confidence knowing I somehow have your blessing.
 
Nothing can beat memories and experience. Being out there give me things that no one can steal. Not even age, not even money, not even death. The world is too beautiful not to let yourself be part of it. Father, I wanna blend with that beauty.
 
That said, bear in mind that whenever I reaches the top of the mountain, whenever I dive to the vast deepest of sea, whatever daredevil stunts I do, wherever strange places I go, whoever I am with and where on earth my feet may take me, I always bring a part of you with me. For there is no greater joy for me than to make you proud. You and mama who taught me how to walk will have the pleasure of seeing me walk above clouds and wander with pride… and back home, humbly.
 
Remember, my family is my anchor. You always keep me back home. So please don’t try to stop me. Don’t worry about me as I worry even more knowing you worry. I’ll be safe, hands on my heart, I promise.
 
And when my day is done,
Know that I am smiling. #AR
 

Fatal Judgement

Despabiladeras, Annilyn
Wednesday, May 07, 2014 3:22 PM

It’s during our lunch break that we have decided to take a breather at tarajingpotpot.

On our way back to the office, we saw a friend with his teammates coming our way.

Mike: “Naawa na ko sa kanya, kung sinu sino na lang kasama nya.”
Annie: “That’s the result of our actions and sometimes we just have to embrace it.”
 
Just to add up to what I have said earlier about Mike having pity on our friend for his social homelessness situation right now.

Life likes to do that sometimes. Mess with our plans, mess with what we want, mess with our social life and our friends, but it always brings us somewhere. It teaches us what we need to learn. Our friend needs to get that. I’m thinking he needs to learn something from this. He either realizes that it is not really US the right friend for him or we are the best of friends he’ll ever have. And we don’t know that. Only him can have the answer. I am just praying he’ll realize it soon and that he will let us know.
 
We are responsible to every decision we make in life. Recklessness, innocence, residual pain, pride, selfishness, these are just some of the matters that block us from making intelligent decisions. Your current difficult situation may affect  your logical thinking, people around you may have influenced your decisions and whatever the results may be, in the end, everything is on you!
 
That’s the adventure of life, the risk of life, not knowing what lies ahead. Not knowing what would be the outcome of whatever it is that we have decided to do. We may assume the outcome but it may or may not be the one we have in mind.

But you know what’s good in life, we may not be able to undo our actions (unlikely not), but we have the chance to correct them, if not, start anew. You have the ability to pull yourself out of that situation. And all that, still rest to your decision.
 
Everything is the product of our choices. What we need to learn is the ability to accompany our decisions with responsibility and bravery.
 
And what’s scary is that, and this is the thing that scares me too, that no matter how logical your decision is, it’s hard to determine if we’re on the right track. If we’re making the right thing. That’s why it’s good to establish principles. That will be your ground, your basis. If you don’t have that, everything will be a mess, scattered. And that’s the problem I see in some people, I saw in him, and with some of you. You might say I complicate things, I think deep, but that is because I have sets of beliefs. I believe in some things. I might argue with some of you most of the time but I believe it’s a good thing because I know I stand for something. Though I understand him. His principles may be different from mine but what i can’t understand is to make something complicated out of it. He’s competing badly.
 
This is the one thing I wanna say to our friend right now. “You’re letting go of an important people.” Not that he chose the wrong one, but with that pride he’s trying to dispatch a group of nice people.
 

Bygones.

image

Roar

image

I always believe this. Its not being bias. Neither unfair. It means standing for something. It means you believe in something. It’s better to have side to argue for than be friends with everyone just by standing in between. Whether it’s right or wrong, it’s a good start.

I’ve met lots of people who are easily persuaded by everything. Like I can be here, I can be there, I can be on this side, I can be on that side. They are like scattered sheeps driven away by barking mad dogs. But sometimes that’s not the deal in life, you know. Being everywhere is being nowhere. Sabi nga ni Katy Perry sa kanta nyang Roar, I stood for nothing so I fell for everything.

Take a stand. Face the dogs. Be brave. Be firm.

Bygones.

Inevitable Disappointing Things

You know what i hate? When somebody said yes to you but never showed up. Then will give you lame excuses.

And you know what hurts me most? Listening to their reasons… and you know they are lying.

Things that disappoints me. Buts its ok. Its just one of the ways a person can introduce himself. Getting to know them more, everyday.

Bygones.

My Mantra

Sharing with you my favorite poems and article J -apd

 

CREDENDA

From “The Gift of Acabar” by Og Mandino

Turn away from the crowd and its fruitless pursuit of fame and gold. Never look back as you close your door to the sorry tumult of greed and ambition. Wipe away your tears of failure and misfortune. Lay aside your heavy load and rest until your heart is still. Be at peace. Already it is later than you think, for your earthly life, at best, is only the blink of an eye between two eternities.

Be unafraid. Nothing here can harm you except yourself. Do that (things) which you dread and cherish those victories with pride. Concentrate your energy. To be everywhere is to be nowhere. Be jealous of your time, since it is your greatest treasure.

Reconsider your goals. Before you set your heart too much on anything, examine how happy they are who already possess what you desire. Love your family and count your blessings. Reflect on how eagerly they would be sought if you did not have them.

Put aside your impossible dreams and complete the task at hand no matter how distasteful. All great achievements come from working and waiting. Be patient. God’s delays are never God’s denials. Hold on. Hold fast. Know that your paymaster is always near. What you sow, good or evil that you will reap. What you are is through your choice alone. Learn to live with honest poverty, if you must, and turn to more important matters than transporting gold to your grave.

Never meet trouble halfway. Anxiety is the rust of life; when you add tomorrow’s burdens to today’s their weight becomes unbreakable. Avoid the mourner’s bench and give thanks, instead, for your defeats. You would not receive them if you did not need them. Always learn from others. He who teaches himself has a fool for a master. Be careful. Do not overload your conscience.

Conduct your life as if it were spent in an arena filled with tattlers. Avoid boasting. If you see anything in you that puffs you with pride, look close and you will find more than enough to make you humble.

Be wise. Realize that all men are not created equal, for there is no equality in nature, yet no man was ever born whose work was not born with him. Work every day as if it were your first, yet tenderly treat the lives you touch as if they will all end at midnight. Love everyone, even those who deny you, for hate is a luxury you cannot afford. Seek out those in need. Learn that he who delivers with one hand will always gather with two. Be of good cheer.

Above all, remember that very little is needed to make a happy life. Look up. Reach out. Cling simply to God and journey quietly on your pathway to forever with charity and a smile. When you depart, it will be said by all that your legacy was a better world than the one you found.

 

Credenda – Latin word for matters of faith or doctrines to be believed. It’s from the verb “credere”, which means to trust or believe.

 

~ o ~

 

Closing Cycles (Cerrando Circulos)

                                                                                                            By Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.  If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matter is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need . This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.
 

~ o ~

 
 
Desiderata

-Attributed to Max Ehrmann 1927

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe; no less than the trees and the stars, you have the right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its sham drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Bygones.

In A Relationship

‘I can’t wait to see you have a partner, Annie.’ – Wendy to me while doing our warm up exercise. This hit me and made me rattle. I even forgot what I responded. I just immediately divert it to counting. ‘Chin up, 1,2,3… *warmingup
 
Why she have to do that? She does this most of the time. Making statements that will caught you off guard. I’ve thought of it sometime but I didn’t bother, you know, entertaining the idea, yet. And like a vision of hand penetrated from Wendy’s mouth, the words slap me in the face, left and right. My heart skipped a beat.Why am I not ready with the answer?
 
I remained single for a long time, going 6 yrs in a single status. I turned down every invitation. I’ve stayed away from certain friendships that may lead to…romantic relationship. I’ve tried it a couple of times and one of it ended up sinking down two ships, relation and friend. So I stopped, again. I built fences, giving limitations in interacting with opposite sex. I’m very much satisfied with my present situation, to stay single and to just enjoy life without forcing myself to get things that can be within my will yet, mostly controlled by other important elements and  changing personal views. So for now, I’d rather enjoy my 20s and save the serious stuff, later.
 
“Never think of marriage til you’re 30”. – Barney, How I Met Your Mother
 
I suddenly feel excited with Wendy’s dream. There! Hold on! I think I remember what I’ve said to Wendy. “Kung may boyfriend ako, baka wla kang kasama mag run ngayon. Hindi nyo na ko makakasama. Coz I’ll be busy doing my stuff with him.”
 
Here’s my problem. This is the part of my life that I always chicken out. I am full of questions. I remember somebody (a relative) asking me “Are you not afraid of ending up alone?” Well, I’m in this stage where everyone’s upbeat to mocker you for being single. For a moment, I remained silent and tried to repeat the question in my head. If I’ll give an impulsive answer, I would definitely say “I am!” Whenever I am asked with life’s questions, I tend to think about it deeply. Then I finally said “I think I’m more afraid of ending up with the wrong one”. That thought scares me. What if it didn’t work out?
 
‘When someone’s around me, I get suffocated. I’m really happy being alone. I mean being alone is better than sitting next to a lover and you’re lonely. It’s not easy to be romantic.” – Before Sunset
 
This idea still bugs me and made me reconsider my answer. Branches of questions start to pop up. Do I? Am I really scared of ending up with the wrong one and be miserable, worst if with kids? Shattered family? Or is it more on afraid of getting hurt? Do I have to taste that part of cake to know my answer? I’m terrified with the thought of growing old alone, but a part of me thinks I’ll probably be better off alone.
 
Where am I heading this blog? I know have a point, let me break it down for you.
 
Point 1. Relationship, my take is this. If you’re not sure with your feelings & really not settled with something you want to do, then don’t pursue it. But if you decide to go through it, do it and don’t play around with other people’s emotions. If you find the guy, marry. If not, then dont! It’s as simple as that.
 
Point 2. Live your life. Now, I can say that I have no regrets with my decision to stay single this long. I’ve done so many accomplishments. Besides, I became slightly honest & true to myself. I did not leave anyone hanging in limbo. Or maybe not. I made people clearly aware of my position. Or maybe not. I recognized how it feels to be rejected and to reject people. I discovered it the hard way and I can say, I’m learning. I don’t want to waste my time on something that I find unworthy. I know someday I will or maybe not meet the right match for me, but for now, I should be the right person. It’s about living your life, living with how you look at it and not how others look at it. I believe you’ll never ever have a happy married life if you didn’t live a happy single life. So enjoy now.
 
I know. There’s somebody for everybody. I got to believe that. Repeat til 30.
 
Point 3. Independency, a dream and fear collided. I enjoy independency. I love doing things on my own. And as a dream, I mostly say I want to have a baby. I like kids, a lot. But every time I think of having my own, it’s kind of, not cool. You know, it’s like it doubles everything. It doubles your expenses, your worries, your fears. Unlike when you’re on your own, you can skip a meal or just lie down when you feel not doing anything. But come to think of it, if you have a baby, you really got to do something. I like babies, but maybe I really don’t like a baby.
 
“I enjoy solitude. But loneliness is a constant ache.” –unknown
 
You get me? Do I make a point? I know I have, it’s just a lil, scattered.
 
Then I remember Summer from the movie 500 Days of Summer. She’s single, loves to do things on her own, dating yet she doesn’t believe in love. For her, there’s no such thing in a relationship. Then there’s Tom who believe otherwise. But at the end of the movie, she got married.

I know I’ll have the same ending. Marry.
Babies. Now is not yet the right time for a very serious matter. I am single, for now. God knows when I will be ready and He’ll be sending the best man for me.

Bygones.

Just saying. Bygones.