‘I can’t wait to see you have a partner, Annie.’ – Wendy to me while doing our warm up exercise. This hit me and made me rattle. I even forgot what I responded. I just immediately divert it to counting. ‘Chin up, 1,2,3… *warmingup
Why she have to do that? She does this most of the time. Making statements that will caught you off guard. I’ve thought of it sometime but I didn’t bother, you know, entertaining the idea, yet. And like a vision of hand penetrated from Wendy’s mouth, the words slap me in the face, left and right. My heart skipped a beat.Why am I not ready with the answer?
I remained single for a long time, going 6 yrs in a single status. I turned down every invitation. I’ve stayed away from certain friendships that may lead to…romantic relationship. I’ve tried it a couple of times and one of it ended up sinking down two ships, relation and friend. So I stopped, again. I built fences, giving limitations in interacting with opposite sex. I’m very much satisfied with my present situation, to stay single and to just enjoy life without forcing myself to get things that can be within my will yet, mostly controlled by other important elements and changing personal views. So for now, I’d rather enjoy my 20s and save the serious stuff, later.
“Never think of marriage til you’re 30”. – Barney, How I Met Your Mother
I suddenly feel excited with Wendy’s dream. There! Hold on! I think I remember what I’ve said to Wendy. “Kung may boyfriend ako, baka wla kang kasama mag run ngayon. Hindi nyo na ko makakasama. Coz I’ll be busy doing my stuff with him.”
Here’s my problem. This is the part of my life that I always chicken out. I am full of questions. I remember somebody (a relative) asking me “Are you not afraid of ending up alone?” Well, I’m in this stage where everyone’s upbeat to mocker you for being single. For a moment, I remained silent and tried to repeat the question in my head. If I’ll give an impulsive answer, I would definitely say “I am!” Whenever I am asked with life’s questions, I tend to think about it deeply. Then I finally said “I think I’m more afraid of ending up with the wrong one”. That thought scares me. What if it didn’t work out?
‘When someone’s around me, I get suffocated. I’m really happy being alone. I mean being alone is better than sitting next to a lover and you’re lonely. It’s not easy to be romantic.” – Before Sunset
This idea still bugs me and made me reconsider my answer. Branches of questions start to pop up. Do I? Am I really scared of ending up with the wrong one and be miserable, worst if with kids? Shattered family? Or is it more on afraid of getting hurt? Do I have to taste that part of cake to know my answer? I’m terrified with the thought of growing old alone, but a part of me thinks I’ll probably be better off alone.
Where am I heading this blog? I know have a point, let me break it down for you.
Point 1. Relationship, my take is this. If you’re not sure with your feelings & really not settled with something you want to do, then don’t pursue it. But if you decide to go through it, do it and don’t play around with other people’s emotions. If you find the guy, marry. If not, then dont! It’s as simple as that.
Point 2. Live your life. Now, I can say that I have no regrets with my decision to stay single this long. I’ve done so many accomplishments. Besides, I became
slightly honest & true to myself. I did not leave anyone hanging in limbo. Or maybe not. I made people clearly aware of my position. Or maybe not. I recognized how it feels to be rejected and to reject people. I discovered it the hard way and I can say, I’m learning. I don’t want to waste my time on something that I find unworthy. I know someday I will or maybe not meet the right match for me, but for now, I should be the right person. It’s about living your life, living with how you look at it and not how others look at it. I believe you’ll never ever have a happy married life if you didn’t live a happy single life. So enjoy now.
I know. There’s somebody for everybody. I got to believe that. Repeat til 30.
Point 3. Independency, a dream and fear collided. I enjoy independency. I love doing things on my own. And as a dream, I mostly say I want to have a baby. I like kids, a lot. But every time I think of having my own, it’s kind of, not cool. You know, it’s like it doubles everything. It doubles your expenses, your worries, your fears. Unlike when you’re on your own, you can skip a meal or just lie down when you feel not doing anything. But come to think of it, if you have a baby, you really got to do something. I like babies, but maybe I really don’t like a baby.
“I enjoy solitude. But loneliness is a constant ache.” –unknown
You get me? Do I make a point? I know I have, it’s just a lil, scattered.
Then I remember Summer from the movie 500 Days of Summer. She’s single, loves to do things on her own, dating yet she doesn’t believe in love. For her, there’s no such thing in a relationship. Then there’s Tom who believe otherwise. But at the end of the movie, she got married.
I know I’ll have the same ending. Marry.
Babies. Now is not yet the right time for a very serious matter. I am single, for now. God knows when I will be ready and He’ll be sending the best man for me.
Just saying. Bygones.