Inevitable Disappointing Things

You know what i hate? When somebody said yes to you but never showed up. Then will give you lame excuses.

And you know what hurts me most? Listening to their reasons… and you know they are lying.

Things that disappoints me. Buts its ok. Its just one of the ways a person can introduce himself. Getting to know them more, everyday.

Bygones.

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In A Relationship

‘I can’t wait to see you have a partner, Annie.’ – Wendy to me while doing our warm up exercise. This hit me and made me rattle. I even forgot what I responded. I just immediately divert it to counting. ‘Chin up, 1,2,3… *warmingup
 
Why she have to do that? She does this most of the time. Making statements that will caught you off guard. I’ve thought of it sometime but I didn’t bother, you know, entertaining the idea, yet. And like a vision of hand penetrated from Wendy’s mouth, the words slap me in the face, left and right. My heart skipped a beat.Why am I not ready with the answer?
 
I remained single for a long time, going 6 yrs in a single status. I turned down every invitation. I’ve stayed away from certain friendships that may lead to…romantic relationship. I’ve tried it a couple of times and one of it ended up sinking down two ships, relation and friend. So I stopped, again. I built fences, giving limitations in interacting with opposite sex. I’m very much satisfied with my present situation, to stay single and to just enjoy life without forcing myself to get things that can be within my will yet, mostly controlled by other important elements and  changing personal views. So for now, I’d rather enjoy my 20s and save the serious stuff, later.
 
“Never think of marriage til you’re 30”. – Barney, How I Met Your Mother
 
I suddenly feel excited with Wendy’s dream. There! Hold on! I think I remember what I’ve said to Wendy. “Kung may boyfriend ako, baka wla kang kasama mag run ngayon. Hindi nyo na ko makakasama. Coz I’ll be busy doing my stuff with him.”
 
Here’s my problem. This is the part of my life that I always chicken out. I am full of questions. I remember somebody (a relative) asking me “Are you not afraid of ending up alone?” Well, I’m in this stage where everyone’s upbeat to mocker you for being single. For a moment, I remained silent and tried to repeat the question in my head. If I’ll give an impulsive answer, I would definitely say “I am!” Whenever I am asked with life’s questions, I tend to think about it deeply. Then I finally said “I think I’m more afraid of ending up with the wrong one”. That thought scares me. What if it didn’t work out?
 
‘When someone’s around me, I get suffocated. I’m really happy being alone. I mean being alone is better than sitting next to a lover and you’re lonely. It’s not easy to be romantic.” – Before Sunset
 
This idea still bugs me and made me reconsider my answer. Branches of questions start to pop up. Do I? Am I really scared of ending up with the wrong one and be miserable, worst if with kids? Shattered family? Or is it more on afraid of getting hurt? Do I have to taste that part of cake to know my answer? I’m terrified with the thought of growing old alone, but a part of me thinks I’ll probably be better off alone.
 
Where am I heading this blog? I know have a point, let me break it down for you.
 
Point 1. Relationship, my take is this. If you’re not sure with your feelings & really not settled with something you want to do, then don’t pursue it. But if you decide to go through it, do it and don’t play around with other people’s emotions. If you find the guy, marry. If not, then dont! It’s as simple as that.
 
Point 2. Live your life. Now, I can say that I have no regrets with my decision to stay single this long. I’ve done so many accomplishments. Besides, I became slightly honest & true to myself. I did not leave anyone hanging in limbo. Or maybe not. I made people clearly aware of my position. Or maybe not. I recognized how it feels to be rejected and to reject people. I discovered it the hard way and I can say, I’m learning. I don’t want to waste my time on something that I find unworthy. I know someday I will or maybe not meet the right match for me, but for now, I should be the right person. It’s about living your life, living with how you look at it and not how others look at it. I believe you’ll never ever have a happy married life if you didn’t live a happy single life. So enjoy now.
 
I know. There’s somebody for everybody. I got to believe that. Repeat til 30.
 
Point 3. Independency, a dream and fear collided. I enjoy independency. I love doing things on my own. And as a dream, I mostly say I want to have a baby. I like kids, a lot. But every time I think of having my own, it’s kind of, not cool. You know, it’s like it doubles everything. It doubles your expenses, your worries, your fears. Unlike when you’re on your own, you can skip a meal or just lie down when you feel not doing anything. But come to think of it, if you have a baby, you really got to do something. I like babies, but maybe I really don’t like a baby.
 
“I enjoy solitude. But loneliness is a constant ache.” –unknown
 
You get me? Do I make a point? I know I have, it’s just a lil, scattered.
 
Then I remember Summer from the movie 500 Days of Summer. She’s single, loves to do things on her own, dating yet she doesn’t believe in love. For her, there’s no such thing in a relationship. Then there’s Tom who believe otherwise. But at the end of the movie, she got married.

I know I’ll have the same ending. Marry.
Babies. Now is not yet the right time for a very serious matter. I am single, for now. God knows when I will be ready and He’ll be sending the best man for me.

Bygones.

Just saying. Bygones.

Friendly Diet

Too much of everything is harmful, that I seriously accept as true. Thus, we need a diet.
 
What does it mean? For me, it’s a way of refraining from doing something we do regularly. Fasting. A break from a routine, a rest from it.
 
This not only applies to cutting down food consumption as its commonly use. This can be a break from anything or anyone. From smoking, from alcohol, from spending or saving too much, a break from work, from stress, from being too serious all the time, from a relationship, from being too kind, or just merely a break from your own…usual world.
I said this, on a somewhat serious note because I am currently having a diet. Yes, a diet from a relationship, from a friend and from always looking and doing what I think is good.

Disclaimer:  I will use ‘URGH’, as a reference to a person to protect the identity of the involved individualJ. URGH is not a bad person, this is all ME talking and sharing my difficulty.

From a relationship. Who says I don’t have relationships? In fact, I have a lot and I have to withdraw some J.  It’s this; I am getting use of URGH being in my circle so I need to disperse URGH before I get accustomed to it. I don’t want getting too attached to some (selective) people, and that include URGH. You know, sometimes, you just get tired being with that person and you need a reason to miss URGH. And URGH is pissing me off now. What seems to be so cute before is becoming annoying and I do not like it anymore. I have not only to be honest with myself, URGH need it as well. URGH need to understand. Right now as I’m having my diet, I’m thinking of how I could mitigate this cruel truth with URGH.

From a friend. I’ve been practicing absorbing good vibes these past few months and URGH’s, let just say, is not a bearer of a helpful atmosphere most of the time. URGH steals my positivity. Whenever I get excited of something, URGH is like an antagonist who jumps in to the scene and makes fun bursting my bubbles. It’s fun when you’re a kid, like literally popping a bubble, but not anymore. Grownups need encouragement and I don’t get it from URGH easily and I hate it! Like what they say, remove what destroy your happiness and I’d like to get rid of that negativity right at this moment of my life where I’m having the best of the world. I just thought a slice than a mouthful of URGH feels vigorous and better.

From always doing what I think is good. This make me feel guilty and happy all at the same time. Trying to dip myself in a fire wondering if I’ll get burn or not. I just wanna be random. Doing things without thinking too much. Do this, do that, who cares?! It’s awesome to break rules, I feel courageous!

So there, I am just having a friendly diet, not totally getting rid of these things/people. Cutting something/someone out of my life does not mean I hate it/them, it simply means I care for myself; I need to take a break. Die-ting don’t let something just die in your life; it will keep something from continuously working in your life, properly. It keeps the fire burning. I think we all need to abstain from something and it’s healthy to take it once in a while.

Sudden thought: I think I just narrated the history of the word break-up. Well, dieting is better than breaking-up right? I’m picking the healthy choice.

Bygones.

Mountain Invation AMCI Batch DOSE

My Mountaineering History
 
Being a mountaineer is such a big event of my life and I wonder why I haven’t shared it with you? So let’s get back to 2012.
 
It all started last June 6 last year. A dorm-mate, who likes to climb, mentioned there’ll be an orientation that will be held by AMCI, one of the mountaineering groups here in the country. I said, all right; let’s try it since there’s nothing wrong with pretending-you’re-listening strategy in a talk. As we entered the lounge, three laptops were lined up on the table. All were showing a slideshow of pictures of the group taken in all their climbs. The other one is showing videos.
 
Let me cut my intro short, the very impulsive me, I/we registered.
 
Training begins. It will be held every Wednesdays and Sundays of the four months. Please refer to our batch calendar.
 
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At first, it felt like I’m one of the Tributes sent to play for Hunger games. Learning how to tie ropes, pitch a tent, light up a different stove, first aid, wall climb, rappel, run and swim with backpacks, etc… These are just some of the activities included in our syllabus.
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Let me give you a brief background on how the course works that will run for four months, from June to October. First, within those four months of training, there will be four climbs and you are required to get three. Good tracking of attendance is a major requirement too. Maximum of four absences is the limit, though they give merit runs or extra rounds mostly, or other activities that are outside the course calendar to make up for your absences. They give quizzes too, and you need to pass 80% of the quizzes of the entire semester. First Aid, CPR, rappelling, wall climbing, and orienteering are major requirements too. You also need to hit the finish line for a 15KM run within two hours. I had mine at the downhill UPHILL road in Ultra, Pasig. Whew!
 
Any failure to complete any of the major requirements above will forfeit your entitlement to be a member. Though you could finish the course, graduate and be a certified mountaineer but, it’s totally heartbreaking not to be a certified member.
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 ——
 
My first training climb or commonly called as TC1 and my first real encounter of the mountain is Mt. Balingkilat in Subic, Zambales. Well, I can say we had a very nice acquaintance. How could I forget? It’s 1100 MASL as starter. It’s a very sunny day and all throughout the trek, I think there are only three trees where you can use as shade. It’s a grassy land that if you do not wear arm sleeves, it will leave your arms full of grass cut slash toasted. Now, I am proud to say that I, the only trainee, and my team member’s lead pack first to arrive the summit. The members are all proud and amaze of how fast I am knowing it’s my first climb. Wanna know my motivation? The heat of the sun! I know I’m dark and it’s the least of my concern but it was so really damn hot that I have to choose which one between leg pain and sunburn to savor. I chose the first. I brave the heat and this vertically challenged woman belittled the huge rock approaching the summit. Haha! I reached the summit an hour ahead of the ETA. I just can’t stand the thought that my nape and my forehead are being fried without any fight! Yes, I didn’t apply any sun block. It’s not included in my ‘to bring’ list (although a climb mate offered me hers) and I thought it’s too sunny it will leave you feeling sticky and it’s my first climb what do you expect and yeah, still I didn’t and I learned a lot from this. What to bring, what not to bring stuff. Now here’s a trivia. I am a well known clumsy celebrity. And I proved it true right at this climb. As we are preparing our dinner, I was asked to watch over our ‘tinola’. The pot is in between my legs because I’m covering the wind from blowing off the stove fire. Then I felt a leg cramp. So I switched position. As I lift and position my right leg, I hit the pot and watch the soup pour over. J We ate a soup less tinola. You know what hurts and disappointing? We are all excited for the soup. We all want a soup that night because it’s kindda cold and we are all in craved for soup. Even I want it bad. If you could just see our shocked faces as we watch the soup drip the pan.  I gave an all night apology and we are like ‘apology your face Annie’, yes that include me. They still have that hate in me every time we talk about it. It became a laughing stuff for ABG.
 
Time for descent and I don’t want to boast my speed again and decided to just enjoy the view and yeah, we weren’t the first group to arrive at the wash up area. Down the hill, awaits our very delicious supper. I ate a mouthful of every dish. Then we have a mini program, that’s suppose to take place during our socials up at the summit but a sudden strong rain pour down on us that night. So we call it off and have the venue change at the wash up area instead. It’s part of the climb to have socials at night. You know, getting to know the group, talking about the climb, sharing, having some numbers, et al…We didn’t win as best performer but we did enjoy the socials that’s full of cheering, drinking, fun and getting to know everyone.
 
Touch down Makati. F***. I can’t feel my legs! Goodness, the groin! If you sit too long, it hurts, if you stand too long it hurts. I hated stairs for a week, or any inclined steps. L
 
——
 
Now comes training climb 2, Mt Tarak. Yes, my second encounter with nature is far FAAAR different from my TC1. TC2 is also called technical climb. I have no idea what it mean. Now, I could tell you what the heck it means. Technical climb in mountaineering means all of your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual capacity will be tested. An unforgettable climb it is. Don’t ask me here, ask me in person and I’ll tell you what happened.
—–
I missed the third climb due to some unforeseen event in our office. One member of our team filed in immediate resignation that result to leaves freezing and my supposedly fixed calendar goes to disaster.
—–
Fast forward to my TC4, Mount Amuyao. Another different climb, like what they say, no mountain is alike. In this climb, one of my most beautiful morning happened. My jaw dropped. This is what I saw as I opened my tent. I’m like a kid who jump out of tent and say ‘Wooooooow!!! Ang ganda!’.
 
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On my mind:
 
Sea of clouds. I wanna jump into it. Can I jump? Of course not! But iIt looks so fluffy and soft plus the mountain air. Parang ang sarap matulog sa ulap. Just stare at it, Annie. I glued my eyes into it for like, forever. I can’t look away. Really, the site is awesome.
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The only thing that distracts me from the moment is the freezing cold air. I need coffee. This view is good with coffee. Hurry! Picture! Anyone picture me with this lovely site. And look at that smile on your face Annie. I feel infinite.
 
 
—–
 
Mountain takes me back to the basics, how to arrange and fix my own bed, to cook a very simple delicious dishes in just a small burner. Relearn how to tie shoelaces of my muddy shoes since I’m used to hills, slip-ons, flats and sandals.
 
It teaches me how to live simply. You need to get out from your city comfort zone. Imagine yourself sleeping in a ground sheet, and if you’re too fidgety, you’ll end up lying in soil together with its lodger. You won’t get to wash yourself in a day or two. It’s like it’s just you and whatever available resources for your basic need. And it feels right; it feels awesome being bare of earthly things yet still happy.
 
It teaches me responsibility. I began to be responsible not only to myself but also to people who are with me. They teach me how to care, care a lot, and to care more. I never imagined feeling so worried for someone who is not blood related.
 
It teaches me patience. It teaches me hard work. It teaches me bravery. It teaches me pain. It teaches me glory. It teaches me risks. It teaches me adventure and to dig in for more. It teaches me God.  It teaches me to pray. It teaches me appreciation. It teaches me simple fun. It teaches me how to live a low life. It teaches me nature. It teaches me concern. It teaches me care. It teaches me service. It teaches me culture. It teaches me focus. It teaches me direction. It teaches me strategy. It teaches me to face challenges. It teaches me excitement. It teaches me time. It teaches me how to get lost. It teaches how to find. It teaches me manners. It teaches me to greet ‘magandang umaga po’ to locals. It teaches me smile and give more. It teaches me gratitude. It teaches me love. It taught me life.
 
I don’t know how to end this but what I am certain of is that I can proudly say, I’ll be able to live without all the luxuries this materialistic world could offer. Just like the old times.
 
 
Waiting for the sunrise, gazing into the vast horizon
Waiting for twilight might bores you, not me.
 

Appreciate a woman who climbs mountain. She knows how to live in simple things. You may please her with all the luxuries and she will like it but rest assured, when these things vanished, she will be fine.
 
Appreciate a woman who climbs mountain. Her skin maybe full of scars, but she call it scars of success, of survival. (From Woman in Summit)

Bygones.

My Super Kulet Nephew

I heard him sing Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

“You better watch out,
you better not cry,
you better not pout im telling you why,
Santa Claus is coming to tell…”

That is his version!

Me: What is it that he’s going to tell?
Neo: mmmm
Me: Its ‘to town’ kuya. Coming to town.

A frustrated singer I am, i taught him the right lyrics, tune, and added his chorus some stanza.

Here it is!

Cute baby…

Bygones!

First Aid

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Let’s keep the heart beating…

Here we go again. I don’t usually share things about love but since I’m so much in a cloud nine and I don’t know how to release this, I’ll be sharing it to you Gwen…hahaha, yup, you, my only reader…lol

Funny I remember when we talked about being lonely. Sabi ni gwen, yung tipong nananaba, magisa sa bahay, walang lovelife, out of town ng out of town, pablog blog na lang…hahahaha…

“butterflies in my stomach”
(allposters.com)

Im not even sure when is the last time I felt butterflies, not from the rides of EK, but butterflies of love. This is sooooooooo corny im thinking to stop this crap wr…………………..

I shared this emotion to a friend and she said,

“Basta ang nakakapagpasaya sa tao, minsan enough na muna yun…. Kumbaga..first aid! LOL!!!!

I don’t want to elaborate the emotion but I know everyone do know what I am feeling right now. The beginning is the most beautiful part of love. Right now, I’m enjoying it again. The last time I had it, epic failed. Love at the wrong time. Loved the wrong person. I’m hoping this one is not. *Fingers crossed*

Sorry to cut it short, I’m not really comfortable with the topic.

Bygones.

The One Who Got Away

“Only you can calm my soul.” -August Rush

There. I’m having a moment. Talked to a colleague this afternoon through e-mail and I suddenly felt, I miss this person. We usually talk a lot of stuff; he became my buddy for a long time and now, it come to this. I don’t know what to talk about. I want to have more conversation with him and I just went…blank. Even I know I can just drop by to his post, but some things do change. Then I remember all the people I used to talk to, hanged with. Then I suddenly miss everyone. I miss all of them. I know this is normal. Feeling a certain part of you is not being fed, a piece of friendship for that person.
Well, things changed. These people changed. I understand and I don’t exempt myself to that. You want to get in touch but that’s the only thing you could do. E-mail, text, call, and I don’t think it’s enough. When I miss a person, I want to get in touch and do the usual things we do. Real laugh, current stories you both know, like you just give each other a look and you know what the other one is thinking. But those are hard to do again, with someone you haven’t got in touch with for a period of time. Different priorities, distance, that what makes it difficult.

Gelo resigned, Mel resigned, Joel and May transferred, Gemma and Julius became so distant, Mommy Les just turned to gone, friends back in the province, well actually, they don’t qualify here. I miss them, I do, but they’re the people who need no adjustment. We are who we are when we meet, no matter how long, like we’re altogether every day. But the names I mentioned, they are the people who need more nourishment in me and they are all missing.

When people go, may it be miles or just a post away, their priorities and routines changes too. Changes that you no longer take part. And that’s where my emotions coming from! I’m sad. Knowing there will be no ME in their life. They may always remember me, as I do for them, but I want to be with them, in current, and them to me. I am so selfish for thinking that, eh that’s what I feel eh…
Just saying…

Bygones.